Girl Talk
by Marionette
Summary: Lavender and Parvati engage in the nightly ritual known as Girl Talk, and it's keeping Hermione awake. Short oneshot humor fic. Please read and review!


"I'm so jealous. You're such a stick! I wish _I _was that thin."

"Oh, don't lie to me! I know I've become a right cow. Just look at my hips—look at them!" Parvati Patil grabbed her hips and pinched them, offering the skinfolds as evidence to her best friend, Lavender Brown. "I can't believe how fat I've gotten!"

Lavender rolled her eyes, batting Parvati's hands away from her sides. "Don't be ridiculous, Par. That's not _fat_, it's _skin_!"

Both girls were standing in front of the full length mirror that Parvati had brought from her home after the winter holidays had ended. Their shirts were hiked up to below their ribcages, revealing their stomachs to one another so that they could examine them thoroughly. Their third bunkmate, Hermione Granger, sat on her four poster bed, attempting to read but failing miserably due to the constant chattering between the two best friends.

Parvati patted her bare stomach woefully, tracing the slight curve with her finger. "I can't believe how much I've let myself go. I look like a blimp compared to you!"

Lavender shook her head, then sucked in her breath in an effort to make her waist smaller. "What are you talking about? I'm the one with all the fat and the man thighs over here."

At this point, Hermione could no longer stand it. She piped up, "Neither of you are fat in the least, so please do me a favor and…stop talking." The pair stared at her blankly for a moment, and she relaxed into her pillow, assuming she'd finally won herself some well-deserved quiet time.

Her peace was shortlived, however, as Lavender quickly spoke up. "_You_ can say that Hermione, Ms. Slim No Matter What She Eats! You don't have to worry about cellulite, or having birthing hips!" The brunette grabbed her hips and sighed with disdain.

"Well, you _are_ a woman, so birthing hips may actually come in handy. You know, for when you give birth?" Hermione retorted, rolling her eyes.

In horror, Lavender stared down at her hips. Parvati looked equally as scandalized, her gaze having shifted down to stare at the bones protruding from the top of her pants. Hermione's comments about birthing hips had disturbed both of them greatly.

"That's it." Parvati said, resolutely, "I'm losing ten pounds."

--

The next morning, Hermione met up with her two best friends, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, at the breakfast table. She dropped into the seat next to Ron and instantly curled her arms together in front of her on the table so that she could rest her head down on them. Her eyes shut and, for a moment, both boys stared at her, perplexed.

Harry spoke first. "…Hermione? Something wrong?"

Hermione lifted her head and opened her eyes just enough to say, "Apparently, you're not supposed to agree with someone when they say they have birthing hips. They keep you up until two in the morning, pestering you with questions about how their butt looks in their school uniform."

Both boys were completely confused by her answer, and patted her awkwardly on the back before turning uncomfortably back to their meals.

--

Lavender poked at a spot on her face, crying out in anguish.

"A pimple!" she moaned, bringing her face closer to the mirror to inspect the small, red bump. "I have a pimple!"

Parvati quickly joined her friend in front of the mirror, grabbing Lavender's face and turning it toward her so that she could assess the damage. She scoffed when she saw the hardly noticeable spot on Lavender's cheek, near to her ear.

"Oh, Lav, you exaggerate. That puny thing is _not_ a pimple. You have beautiful skin. I'm horribly jealous, you know." The blonde girl turned toward the mirror and examined her face, "I have got a war zone on my forehead."

At that moment, the door swung open and Hermione walked in, dropping her bag on the ground beside the door frame and heading toward her bed. Noticing the two girls in front of the mirror, Hermione groaned, "Again with the mirror? I'm sure your butts look fine in your skirts, really."

With an exaggerate sigh, Lavender tore herself away from the mirror and followed Hermione to her four-poster bed, flopping down on the mattress beside her. Lavender turned her head so that her left cheek was completely exposed to Hermione, pointing to the approximate spot of the offending pimple.

"There?" she asked Hermione, "Do you see that?"

Hermione squinted, leaning close to Lavender's cheek. The pimple became fairly visible; Hermione shrugged. "So you have a little pimple. So what?"

Lavender's hand flew to her cheek in distress, and she quickly rushed back to the mirror, prodding the spot furiously. Parvati did her best to comfort her friend, sending Hermione the occasional glare for having so easily noticed the bump.

"Really, Lav, Hermione just has exceptionally good eyes." Parvati paused, placing emphasis on her next statement, "Don't you, Hermione?"

Knowing that the two girls would keep her up all night—_again—_if she didn't agree, Hermione nodded fervently. "Perfect vision." She told Lavender, who looked pacified. Feeling as though the situation had been aborted, Hermione flashed the pair of girls a smile, "I'm sure no one else would notice that pimple at all."

Lavender's face fell, and she let out a wail, turning back to the mirror in desperation and leaving Hermione to wonder what, exactly, she had said.

--

The following morning, Hermione arrived to breakfast fifteen minutes late. Both Harry and Ron had assumed she intended to skip the meal, and were surprised when she trudged in, bags under her eyes.

"Hermione?" Harry asked, concern in his voice. "You alright?"

Hermione shook her head sadly, falling into a seat next to Ron and halfheartedly grabbing a bagel. "No," she admitted, "it was a rough night."

Ron quirked an eyebrow. "Big test, or something?"

"No." Hermione repeated in the same, lifeless tone, "Lavender had a pimple."

--

That night, all three girls were sitting in their pajamas, waiting for the hour to grow late enough for them to be tired for bed. Lavender and Parvati were sitting on the latter's bed, chatting, as Hermione searched through her bag on the floor for the notes they'd taken earlier in the week in Charms.

"Hermione." Lavender said very seriously, "What do you think about my boobs?"

The randomness of the statement caused Hermione to drop her bookbag on the floor. She stood, casting both girls a very strange look. "I'm afraid I _don't_ think about your boobs, Lav." She said, "Sorry."

Lavender rolled her eyes, then cast them down towards her chest. "They're just so _small_." She sighed, "Parvati's the lucky one. I wish _I_ was that well endowed."

Hermione's face scrunched in distaste. "I'm sure you're very well enough endowed." With that, she turned her back to the girls and climbed into bed, hoping to avoid the rest of the pending conversation by feigning sleep. Hermione had just turned down the comforter, however, when Parvati piped up.

"I keep telling Lav that mine aren't _that_ much bigger than hers, but she won't listen!" Parvati complained, regaining Hermione's attention, "Really, they're such a _nuisance_ when they get to be as big as mine, anyway." Though the sentiment was negative, Hermione did not miss the very slightly smug tone to Parvati's voice. "I mean, I can't run properly without them hurting!"

"Oh, boo-hoo for the girl with the big rack." Lavender spat bitterly, earning a glare from her best friend.

And Hermione had to listen to them squabble about whose boobs were the better size for the rest of the night.

--

Hermione didn't go to breakfast the next morning. Harry and Ron caught her before Transfiguration started. She'd arrived early and was dozing on the desk, snoring softly. Ron poked her awake.

"Hermione!" he said, watching as she stirred, "Why are you sleeping?"

"Lavender's boobs are too small." Hermione replied groggily.

Harry and Ron exchanged confused looks.

Ron shrugged. "I have to say, I disagree."

Hermione was just awake enough to hit him.

--

"Seamus got so _cute_ over winter holiday, don't you think, Par?" Lavender asked, leaning back against the headboard of her four-poster bed. "I mean, he's always been cute, but he got a hair cut and now…"

Parvati nodded, finishing the statement. "He's just even more adorable, I know what you mean." The blonde was sitting on the other edge of Lavender's bed, painting her fingernails. Her best friend didn't have to scold her about making sure not to get polish on her bedspread; Parvati was a pro with fingernail polish and never spilled it.

Lavender turned her head towards Hermione's bed, where the bushy-haired brunette was flipping through a muggle novel halfheartedly. Though Hermione was attempting to appear disinterested in the other girls' conversation, Lavender could tell she'd been listening and decided to act upon it.

"What do _you_ think, Hermione?" she asked, carefully gauging the other girl's reaction.

Hermione bit her lip, closing the book and resting it on her lap. She turned her head toward the pair on the bed near her and gave them a small smile. "Okay," she said, embarrassed, "I have to admit, the haircut definitely did _not_ hurt him."

Surprised that she'd answered, Parvati looked up and raised her eyebrows at Lavender, who returned the look with a smile. Finally, they'd interested Hermione in a bit of girl talk! It had only taken them all the years the three girls had bunked together!

"He's just got such a nice smile—his teeth are a little crooked, but it sort of makes him more charming, you know?" Parvati said, grinning at Hermione, who nodded in return.

"Yeah," she agreed, "My parents are dentists—I explained what that is to you two before, right?" the two girls nodded, so Hermione continued, "Anyway, they're dentists, so I usually appreciate a perfect smile, but his is just so—endearing."

Lavender nodded excitedly. "Oh yes! He's incredibly charismatic!"

"And a great kisser, too." Parvati added saucily. When she noticed Hermione and Lavender's stunned looks, she giggled profusely, "Oh, I just have to tell you two all about it…"

--

Hermione arrived to breakfast fashionably late the next morning, looking a little tired but much more alive than she had in the previous days. She was humming lightly to herself as she took her usual seat next to Ron, who smiled at her.

"Nice to see you looking more chipper this morning, Hermione." He said.

Harry laughed. "Parvati and Lavender let you sleep last night, did they?"

To their surprise, Hermione let out a giggle and shook her head no. "Oh, Merlin, no. We stayed up half the night."

Ron stared at her, puzzled. "Doing _what_?"

Hermione grinned. "Girl talk." She said, "You wouldn't understand."

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

A/N: I thought of this awhile ago, and it made me laugh so I decided to write it down. I love writing Lavender and Parvati. I think they're funny. :D

Also, I'm going to shamelessly plug my fic "The Game", as it didn't get much response for the second chapter and I'm rather fond of the story. Of course, I don't define myself by reviews and will update no matter what, but I was on such a review-roll with the last story I finished that I'm now sort of addicted. Haha. So if you have the time, please check it out. :D Thanks!

Thank you for reading, please leave a review:D:D


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